This world is not our home

I'm longing for heaven today.  My spirit is weary.  I'm sad because of the brokenness of this world - sad for all the hurts I see around me.  I'm sad for the  friends who are struggling to forgive the hurts inflicted on them by others.  Sad because of the many who are struggling with sickness, poverty, loss and injustice.  Sad for those who are wrestling with being obedient to God in the face of enormous personal sacrifice.  I've been reflecting on these battles around me since I got home from West Africa, but today I'm wrestling with this world myself and I'm tired of the battle.  I'm tired of thinking of myself and the bad attitude I've found in my heart today.  I'm tired of living with chronic pain and frustrated with myself for being frustrated.  

I haven't posted about my chronic pain since receiving a diagnosis for my condition.  I try not to focus on it too much in my writings because, in some small sense, I greedily try to hold onto some area that this illness can't define, touch or dominate.  Sjogren's syndrome.  I've known for a few months, and have been mostly grateful to have a name for the mystery pain I've struggled with for so long.  The medication the rheumatologist started me on last March is doing it's job and the progression of the disease and the muscle pain have been greatly reduced.  

But the mental battle remains as I manage my life around the illness. I found HUGE victory in being able to travel to West Africa and came home so full of praise that the Lord sustained my body through the trip.  But today I am struggling to see the victory and find it's overshadowed by the reality of the daily pain.  

I feel old today.  My knees hurt when I go up the stairs and are swollen.  My hands ache as I type these words.  My neck has little mobility now that I've backed off the muscle relaxers the doctor put me on for my trip.  I can't lay on my right side because my shoulder hurts too bad.  My eyes are dry and I'm constantly putting drops in them.  My toes are numb and yellow because I'm too lazy to go get socks and the Reynaud's craves warmth.  I'm grumpy because I hurt and I hate the impact that can have on the people I love the most.  

I went for a follow-up visit to the doctor today.  He gave me the results of an x-ray I had last month.  He told me something I already knew, but hadn't had confirmed - osteoarthritis in my neck.  Even though I knew it was probably the case based on the type of pain and the fact that several other locations on my body have arthritis, I didn't anticipate it would discourage me so much.  I know I'm lucky in so many ways - so many people, even people in my own family, have it so much worse than me.  But today I can't see that.  I just see the brokenness of my body and feel a little sorry for myself.  

I've made such huge strides in my physical health this year.  I should be thankful.  And deep down, I am.  But today the struggle outweighs the gratefulness and I am laying before the Lord the questions I have and am longing for a day it will all be better.  I'm banking on that new body.  The body that doesn't have pain and the body that can run miles without worry of further damaging its joints.  The body that won't fatigue and the body that  is perfect in every way.  

But for now, I have this body and must lay it down before the Lord and remind my soul that his grace is sufficient even in this.  

And it is.  Even when it doesn't feel like it.