It's been a while since I've written, mostly because so much has been happening that it's been impossible to write about any of it. Now that I have the time, I'm less interested in doing so because my heart is heavy with a sadness that words are difficult to articulate. My mother-in-law went home to be with Jesus almost two weeks ago and we are staying with family in IL. It's been difficult to walk down this road, especially during this time of year.
Someone asked me the other day on Facebook why I said it didn't feel like Christmas this year . . . but I can't imagine Christmas in IL without Judy here to share it with. We all feel this way. We're trying to do all the things that will make it a special Christmas for the girls - decorating a gingerbread house, baking cookies, going to look at Christmas lights, etc. - but inside we each feel this gnawing emptiness that grows the closer Christmas day gets. It's the elephant in the room, so to speak.
How are we doing? That's another question we get often, from folks who love us and are carrying us in prayer. I don't know how to answer it, sometimes. We're here. We're moving forward, or trying to. But it's hard. Hard to say good-bye . . .
It doesn't feel like Christmas this year - not in the traditional sense. But I do think my sense of celebration runs deeper as I feel a stronger sense of gratitude for Jesus' coming to earth. Without him, our sorrow would suffocate us. Because of him, we can look forward to better days - if not here, then in eternity.
It's been a difficult year and today I'm having a hard time looking for the good that's been there too. But instead, I know I need to redirect my thoughts to the Lord and remind myself of his goodness to me.
Today, I choose to remember:
- The day we found out we are expecting a baby boy. We found out the gender just in time to share it with Judy and it was such a blessing to our family.
- The laughter of my children and the way they love to sing and dance. Jayden is especially enjoying the song Jingle Bells. She knows the last word of every line and shouts them out. It tickles us every time.
- The abundance of food we have to fill our bellies and all the presents under the tree when so many are going without.
- The 98 recruits the Lord has brought to PBT within the last three years.
- My husband, who, in spite of his pain, has served me and taught me so much about what faith in Jesus really means.
- The time we've had with family this year. We've been on the road more than 3 months of the last 12. Although it's been hard at times, I am thankful for the memories we've made and the time together.
- For a diagnosis of my health concerns. This is both a good thing and a difficult thing, but it is certainly a big answer to my prayers over the last few years.
- The Lord's faithfulness to us. He never changes and has been our ever-present help in time of need.
I choose to remember.
2 comments:
Sweet sister I haven't been down the road you travel, but my heart knows the pain of a very difficult year. I know what it means to say, I choose to see blessing when circumstances are so hard. If I were there I would share the tears running down my face, and I would let the Spirit intercede for you, because that have been so many of my prayers this year.
It's so hard not to be able to give you a hug... Know that you are lifted up in prayer. I love you.
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