Uncertain days

Nathan and I were awoken at 4:30 this morning by a call from my mom informing us that my grandmother was in the ER and being transferred to the ICU. The doctor was unable to offer much hope that she would recover since she has a confirmed case of the new superbug. They're aggressively treating it, but it's not looking good.

After a crazy morning of packing, changing our airline tickets and rushing to make the flight, we arrived in Louisville to say our good-byes. The doctor has given us a sliver of hope that she might pull through . . . but, to be honest, I'm torn about whether I want her to. She is ready. She is tired of suffering, tired of fighting and has the glories of eternity awaiting her. What could possibly make her want to stay?

She told a family friend last night that yesterday had been her best day since her surgery a couple weeks ago. She said she had had some old friends visit during the day and she was very glad to see them. We don't know of any friends that visited her . . . and we wonder if eternity is beckoning, whether through dreams or visions.

I want to tell her it's okay . . . that she can go see her Lord now. She has lived her life well. She has stood faithful to the end. She has made this world a better place for those of us blessed to know her. She has fought for the things she believes in and loved with a loyality that is admirable even to unbelievers. She has finished well. I haven't told her yet. . . I can't bring the words to my mouth. I'm not quite ready to let go.

I hope this isn't our final good-bye on earth. But it might be. And tonight the good-bye is surreal. I feel a little numb. But the tears will surely return as we wait in the hospital for news of any change or improvement. I feel selfish wanting her to stay when I know she would be much better off to go. For her, to die is gain. I want to see with the eyes of eternity - to remember the bigger picture.

Most of all, I want to follow the example she is leaving for me by following Christ. I want to honor her life by living each day as if it were my last.