A Glimpse into My Journey

The last 8 years have included bumps on the road I never would have chosen for myself if I were in charge of the heavenly realms and all that lies within them.  Of course, I'm not, and truthfully, I'm glad.  There is way more to running the universe than appears at first glance.  Along the trails of this journey, one Voice has been my constant, a steady and faithful whisper sustaining and cheering me along.  His Voice has not always been received well, mainly because he doesn't always say what I want to hear.  Many times I have to stick out my neck to hear above the shouts of my own complaints.  But when I do quiet myself enough to hear, his answer is always the same.  "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

This verse applies to each of our lives in different ways, and, in fact, has spoken into many different situations in my life.  However, none has been more consistent or more profound than it's direct application through my journey of living with chronic pain.  Anyone who fights physical pain on a daily basis can resonate with Paul as he says, "There was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me."  He asked multiple times for the Lord to take this thorn away, but the Lord's reply was always the same, "My grace is sufficient."

In February and March of this year, I reached a point of resignation that the daily, hourly, battle with chronic muscle pain was not going to get better and I feared how aging would worsen the condition.  I've been to multiple doctors over the years, all of which have, with one scientific explanation or another, told me the pain is all in my imagination or caused by my own tension as a "type A" personality.  I knew there was more wrong, but no one was willing to treat me or help me find a way to manage the pain.

And then I found Dr. Rosenstock.  I haven't always appreciated his expertise.  He and I have a language barrier that makes speaking in medical terms difficult at times.  He doesn't always explain things well and I have yet to receive a diagnosis for my condition - he has his thoughts on one, but isn't ready to label it just yet.   But the beautiful part of our relationship is, he believes me.

After a couple of years in his care, he started treating me in March with a medication that has made my body feel 40 years younger.  For a woman who just turned 30, it feels like I've been given my life back.  I had a follow-up appointment with him yesterday and it was the first time in years I have not left an appointment regarding my condition in tears.  I told him, "Thank you."  I'm sure he can't quite know how deeply I meant it - from my core.

The last four months I have started hiking again.  I've often said over the last few years that my dream to hike through the jungles of PNG again would likely never become reality because of the physical limitations on my body.  But, I'm starting to dream again.  And it feels good.

I'm not without pain.  I still struggle to sit on the floor and play with my kids and to ward off frequent headaches from the shoulder and neck pain.  I still have a lot of sensitivity in my muscles and deal with the annoyance of dry eyes.

But I have hope again.  And it feels good.

If you asked my college roommate, who was and is the workout queen, she would tell you that going to the gym was my least favorite thing to do in college.  But now I find myself taking one extra lap around the neighborhood, simply because I can.

And it feels good.

My journey is not over and there is always the possibility that my connective tissue disorder will become more serious, but today, I choose to rest in the quiet of that assuring voice, "My grace is sufficient."  The grace that is sufficient in my struggles today, will also be sufficient tomorrow.

And the knowledge of that promise feels mighty good.