An uncertain good-bye

Growing up, I was always taught that you should say good-bye to someone on good terms in case it was the last time you saw that person. I have carried that advice throughout my life and have tried to put it into practice with even the daily good-byes. When Nathan leaves for work or a friend says good-bye after a visit at my home, I always give a hug and an "I love you" in case these are the last words that person hears from me.

Some would say this is excessive, or even morbid, but I say it is simply a heartfelt desire for the people I love to know how I feel about them. If it's the last time I see them, I'll have no regrets. If I see them again, it's just another chance for me to tell them how much they mean to me.

Good-byes are never fun. I sometimes feel like my life is one long string of good-byes. The people I have met around the world and have given pieces of my heart to will forever remain a part of who I am. The friends I have gained along this journey are priceless and have helped me become the person I am. And my family . . . they have become a foundation upon which my history and joys have been built. Because of this, they are the hardest ones to say good-bye to.

I wish you could all know my grandmother. She is the kind of lady that never meets a stranger. She is a true southern woman that holds to the southern tradition that every meal should be served with cornbread. She laughs heartily and smiles often. She loves the Lord and prays daily for her family. She isn't flashy, but people are drawn to her because of an inward beauty she has spent many years preening. She loves flowers, watches Wheel of Fortune religiously and gives generously to anyone in need. She has a naivety about the world and yet she is a child of it, having suffered many losses in her life. She is a woman of strength. She makes being strong seem easy to us young folk. I hope to be compared to her one day . . . she is quite a woman.

The girls and I have been visiting her daily this week. We made this trip to Louisville to spend extra time with her since she has been especially ill the last few months. It's been a special time . . . She needed to rest this afternoon so while she laid down, Jayden and I sat and played on the bed and talked with her. We laughed and talked about girlie things like our stomachs never being the same after having a baby! We were like girlfriends having a slumber party.

We also talked about more serious issues. We reminisced about my grandpa and shared memories we have of him. She told me she wasn't afraid of death - the only thing she hated about it being the thought of leaving her family. She hates that we'll be sad when she's gone.

After a wonderful afternoon with her, I said good-bye.

I said it as if it were the last time I'd ever see her, because, very possibly it could be.

She'll have surgery a week from Monday and each surgery becomes a bit more risky. I didn't want to leave town without making sure she knows how much she means to me. As she sat on her front porch with the sounds of children's laughter playing in the background, I told her. She got tears in her eyes and said,

"Lindsay, I have the promise of eternal life. This is the beginning for me, not the end. You remember the old proverb - Sing like no one is listening, dance as if no one is watching, and live each day as if it were your last. Remember to live like this."

I hope I have several more years to visit my grandmother, but if today was the last chance I have to hug her and smell of her perfume, I'll always hold onto the joys of having shared a piece of my life with her. I have no regrets.